At this time of Thanksgiving, we are especially thankful to our clients, partners, and the thousands of our young readers (and the families who love them) who inspire us with their dreams and optimism. May you continue to invest in yourself and your future.
With that in mind and with the holiday just days away, I wanted to re-impart a message to teens and young adults everywhere about how best to redirect the inevitable, often uncomfortable, conversations surrounding college admissions, and/or post-high school (or college) plans. I first wrote this message in 2015 to help my own daughter and niece navigate our family’s Thanksgiving Day table talk, and I’ve found that it’s definitely held up.
Like at my own family’s gathering, I trust that yours will likely include delicious food, adult beverages, football, Thanksgiving traditions and enough time to reconnect with extended relatives. It’ll also likely contain more than a few, shall we say, uncomfortable, albeit well-intentioned conversations. These get-togethers, while a blast, can also be uber-stressful, especially for high school students who are applying to college or even young adults trying to figure out their next step in life.
Once you’re through the initial greetings, Uncle Billy or Aunt Cathy will eventually get to The Questions…the ones that can leave a teenager teetering on edge.
“So, where are you applying to college? Have you gotten in yet…”
“What are you majoring in?” and perhaps the one question tinged with the most judgment: “What are you going to do with that?”
They seem like such simple questions, and from an adult’s point of view they are. But the answers, and the conversation that follows, can come with so much emotion, stress, and pressure for students, most of whom would rather pet the dog, or watch the football game, or play on the Xbox. Post high school plans are likely the last thing most teens want to discuss over turkey and apple pie, but it’s largely unavoidable, so here’s some advice to help you sidestep it entirely.
First, kids, please be patient. Uncle Billy and Aunt Cathy have life experience and opinions, and what they really want to do is share their life experience with you. They want to tell you their stories…and they also just want to have a good conversation with their tight-lipped, teenage relatives. To most adults, what happens after high school seems like an obvious, safe and easy conversation starter.
The best way to deflect these question AND still have a meaningful interaction with your family is to ask Uncle Billy or Aunt Cathy about their own recollection of post-high school life. Like, for example, when Uncle Billy asks about your plans for after high school or what you’re thinking about studying, be curious. Respond to his query by respectfully asking him about what his college life was like, or about the first job he took out of school. Ask him if he would do something different today and why. And then, listen – I’m sure he has some valuable nuggets he’d really like to impart.
Remember, your family means no harm by their questions, or the comments that follow. They’re just being conversational and expressing their interest in you. After years of helping families navigate these types of conversations, I’m confident that with an appropriate response to your family’s interest, you can ease your emotional burden and shift the focus back onto Uncle Billy or Aunt Cathy.
So, if/when asked, try saying the following:
“I’m considering lots of college options. So tell me, Aunt Cathy…where did YOU go to college?”
In some ways, this is exactly what Aunt Cathy wants to talk about anyway. Get her to start talking about her own post-high school or college experience, and before you know it you’ll be finished with your sweet potatoes and ready for dessert, or to watch the 2nd half of the football game. Try not to be defensive, and instead try to enjoy your family’s company.
Now to all of the Aunties and Uncles out there. Please see above, and be inquisitive and open-ended with your questioning — and try to keep it to something they are currently doing (other than completing tests or college apps). Keep in mind it’s much easier for a teenager to discuss the tangible, as in what they’re doing in the moment (like activities, sports, projects or other competitions) than what they’re considering for their future.
If you want to inquire, perhaps start with, ‘What are you liking in school these days? Any particular project or activity you’re enjoying?’ instead of of where do you want to go to college (or what do you want to do after high school). To many high school students, any questions about their future feel fraught with judgment and may engage a knee-jerk, fight or flight fear response. They fear that you’ll find their choices or indecision about their choices – or their inability to articulate what they’re really thinking — to be lacking — either in ideas or ambition or ability.
And even if they do engage and name several colleges they’re considering or articulate their most recent post-high school plans, keep the conversation going by avoiding the ‘Whys’ in your follow-up. Like, instead of “Why are or aren’t you applying to {Fill in Blank} University?”, try saying something like, ‘Oh that’s interesting, tell me more about XY or Z’…or try responding without a follow up question at all and talk instead about your own recollection of the pressure and experiences as a teenager with planning your post-high school life — good and bad.
Also please take note of other very uncomfortable questions that teens despise hearing from loving relatives, including:
“What did you get on the SAT (or ACT)?”
Or
“What do you intend to do with your degree after school?”
The kids are on vacation. They would rather sit in the dentist chair than discuss their grades, GPA, test scores, or college admissions prospects with you.
We know that Thanksgiving can be both joyful and stressful , especially with teenagers. My wish for our students at this Thanksgiving holiday is that they embrace their family and their inquisitiveness. It typically comes from a place of love, so view it through that prism.
And for my parents and other adult relatives, please be sensitive to the pressure that your younger teenage relatives may be feeling and try to both embrace whatever they give you while seizing an opportunity to share a little piece of your life with them.
And may we all make lasting, loving memories this holiday season.
From our family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving!
